My Christmas Gingerbread House Nightmare

The *wonderful* thing about having a small child at Christmas-time is helping her make Christmas presents for the whole clan. The list of people she makes presents for is a long one, even though I whittle it down to VIP's (i.e., grandparents, aunts, uncles) only. And to make matters worse, this year I was . . . Well . . . Lazy. I didn't get to the hobby store in time to buy easy-to-make/paint/color ornaments like I did last year. So we had to resort to making something from scratch. And then it hit me - AHA! - gingerbread houses. How cute, right?

I found instructions for making a vegan gingerbread house from scratch online. The recipe follows. However, I needed to multiply it by 8. I figured I would do 4 double batches of the dough. Just the first double batch was enough to change my mind. The double batch turned out to be a little too much for my stand mixer to handle and the dough ran up the beaters to the top of the mixer (does anyone know if there is a way to stop that from happening?). So I resorted to the handheld mixer, which started smoking, but it wasn't in very good shape to begin with which is why I have the other mixer. And the whole process took a very long time. Also, I ended up using blackstrap molasses, which made the color of the gingerbread a bit too dark.

After much time, sweat, and mixerbreaking labor I pulled the cooked gingerbread walls from the oven. When it came time to remove them from the cookie sheets. . . CRACK! Oh, the heartbreak! Oh the humanity! After all that time!!!! I had to give up on the homemade gingerbread idea. My husband gave me a wary look as I threw the cookie sheet in disgust into the sink and covered the cookies with water to soak them off while he was in the middle of cleaning some dishes.

Nonetheless, my other options (cookies, etc.) were few, so, undeterred, I ran to the store and stocked up on four boxes graham crackers (cinnamon, I hope they are vegan) and the necessary candy listed on PETA's accidentally vegan list. It took all four boxes of the graham crackers to find enough unbroken sheets to make the eight gingerbread houses. My daughter will be eating graham crackers in her lunches for the rest of the school year. But I digress.

I tried the "glue" recipe from the same online instructions. First I tried putting it into my cute little metal syringe-looking cake decorating tool, but it immediately hardened and would not come out of the tip. I literally ended up boiling the metal writing tip to dissolve the "glue" out of it. What's worse - it didn't really hold the graham crackers together. One minor burn and another level of frustration later, I again turned to PETA's list of commercially made garbage for the icing. I used some Duncan Hines frosting and it held the graham crackers together just fine. By that time, however, I had thrown out all notions of aesthetics, and slapped those puppies together as quickly as possible. I didn't even bother making little frosting doors or windows (my cake decorating tool was still clogged up at that point). Having run out of the tubbed frosting I then had to make my own, from a standard tofutti cream cheese frosting recipe I had. Then I frosted the bottom of a plastic plate and handed them over to the 5 year old for decorating. The picture above shows the results: one of 8 mass produced vegan "gingerbread" houses. By the way, the blue dum dum sucker is a tree (not a lightpost). And that's a wild oats brand chocolate truffle holding it up.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend against using the recipe below. But I would recommend having a lot of time, possibly using light molasses or even corn syrup or glucose, and either oiling and flouring the pan or perhaps lining it with tinfoil which could at least be peeled off the back of the gingerbread walls. I would definitely recommend a regular frosting recipe over the glue recipe below. If anyone has any success - let me know!

Basic Gingerbread House Dough

1/2 cup vegetable shortening
1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
1 cup molasses
4 cups all-purpose flour
1 Tbs baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsps ground ginger
1 tsp ground cinnamon
2 Tbs soymilk, or as needed

In a saucepan, combine the shortening, brown sugar, and molasses over low heat. Stir occasionally until the shortening is melted and the sugar is dissolved, but still slightly grainy. Remove from the heat and let the mixture cool to lukewarm.

While the molasses mixture is cooling, sift or stir together, in a large bowl, the flour, baking soda, salt, ginger and cinnamon. Gradually add the molasses mixture to the dry ingredients, mixing until well blended. Add enough soymilk to make a firm dough. Gather the dough into a ball, and cover with plastic wrap. Let the dough rest for at least 20 minutes. (When tightly sealed, the dough will keepfor up to 1 week in the refrigerator. Bring to room temperature before rolling.)

Preheat an oven to 325 F. Position rack in the center of the oven. Have ready 2 ungreased baking sheets. Using a lightly floured rolling pin, roll out the dough 1/4" thick, and cut out desired shapes. Bake until the edges are slightly brown, about 15 minutes. Makes enough for 1 small gingerbread house (8" x 8"). Recipe from "Great Gingerbread," by Sara Perry

Sugar Glue for Gingerbread House
1 cup water
2 cups sugar

Melt slowly in sauce pan until clear.
This makes a quick-hardening, edible glue.
*Caution, this is VERY hot, do not taste or touch!! Use rubber gloves when handling this glue.